Summer Time

It's been a long time since I blogeded. Long have I missed the gentle caress of stroking the keys of my wireless mac keyboard with useless information.

I'll start with a clip from one of the funniest shows out in the open. It's always sunny in Phili.

My summer is as follow:

Breaking Bad. Yes it is the best show on the television screen which is in my living room. Watching Walter White cook and deal meth has helped me to better relate to the tweakers in my neighborhood. I love this show, season 4 shall not disappoint. If you haven't seen this show. Watch it, it's good clean fun for a family all above the age of 18.

Summer movies. One was Harry Potter. I thought it was a great way to end the 'never ending' series. This scene was questionable at best http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBxzq7-Z36I but the actual ending where Harry is an even uglier adult than he is a teenager, Ron having a gut and Hermione just remaining her gorgeous self was funny but had to be done. They can't bring in random actors to end the series. I understand that.

Summer has been great. Swimming at Shermans with my crappy ganers and living the good life. Me and big Liz also just bought a home in bountiful, so come by and visit. Make sure to send a letter of your request first so me and Liz can analyze if, and when, you can come over(I accept all major chocolates and money).

I also found this gem.

Special D

We told him if he smiled and was a good boy we would give him a treat.

The Robe

With so many superhero movies coming out these days, we are all too familiar with the powers of "The Cape". The common man simply throws a cape over his back and he is transformed. The man is now able to do anything. His ability to do great works has no bounds. Nerds can fly, big men become "Gods of Thunder" and kids can put the flowing robe on and fight crime. This simple wardrobe change seems to bring out the best in people.

If "The Cape" is the key to potential and ambition, then "The Robe"
is the key to laziness and seems to strip people of all ambition and desire to do good for mankind.

Meet "Robe Liz"


As soon as Liz gets home she seeks out what I call the "devil's comfort clothe". Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring it doesn't matter, it's going on. When she wraps that awful red noun around her, her desire to clean or even move is swept away. She turns into a human rock on the couch with an arm, a remote and reruns of "Sex and the City" blaring in front of her. If you wish her to do something for you you will get the all too familiar MOAN. Infamous and agonizing, this sound comes with no surprise. As if speaking would require too much effort and kill the reputation the robe has worked so hard on achieving.

Liz wears her "cape" all day long at work, conquering the world but, at home, it's Robe Liz, so get up and get your own damn glass of water. (It's ok, I know it's the robe talking, not Lizzy)

If I hide one, another will appear. They will not stop, there is always backups. Most come with a personal name engraved on them so there is no way of getting rid of this thing, someone will return it, thats just the power of the robe. Men will never understand them and their magical appearance after the wedding. These long things, with their worthless tie strap, come in all literally all colors: camo, leopard print you name it. The robe don't mind being ugly.

Gentlemen, you are not alone. Men everywhere are dealing with wives in robes. Stay strong. It's worth it for those special moments when the robe releases its grip on your loved one and they are back to their productive selves buying cookies and cleaning like the girl you met before "The Robe".

Top 5 greatest moments in history

5. Screech doing work

Zack kissed Lisa, causing Screech to rip Zack's clothes off.

4. Jesse and her addiction

Jesse takes hardcore drugs to help her juggle her school and singing career.

3. AC and Zack fight over the same girl

Zack and AC sabotage each other's dates and it comes to a mind boggling climax.

2. AC has got the moves.

AC decides to actually show Kelly his dance moves at The Max. There is a time a place for everything AC, and you definitely understood that before you mesmerized us with this.

Everytime I point to a random corner and say "Hit it" things always work out.

1. Friends Forever

If I could ever get through this song without shedding a tear, I would not be human.

"Friends forever" Zack Attack
Tags: "Friends forever" Zack Attack

Steps to living the good life at work

You want this don't you? Well you can have it! My great and successful friend Zach Helm (Author of such books as "The Chimp who ate one-thousand Rice Crispy Treats" and "Diary of a Mad Milano Woman") once taught me...There is a time to "work"...and there is a time to "be at work". And sometimes you just need to "be at work" to start off the day. But being at work is a lot better if you are the main muchacho/woman (girls, this works for you too!) in the office. So follow these steps for everyone to refer to you as "that guy":

1. On your way to "work" stop your local gas station and ask the cashier if they have Tropical Fruit CapriSun. If they don't (they sometimes do not carry this particular brand of juice), pick yourself up a strawberry milk and grab a Nutri-grain bar while your at it.

2. flip a quarter to the gas station cashier and say "Keep the change" after, of course, you already paid using your card. Cashier's eat that crap up. Remember, you're awesome.

3. Walk into work while running your hands through your hair winking at everybody over the age of 50. Don't strut, limp, it's cooler. Make sure you are sipping your CapriSun too.

4. Sit down at your computer, put your headphones in and visit http://catmp3.com/Bill-Blacks-Combo-White-River-Sands,udD9KDvrOSg.html and let it ride.

5. Next, your gonna want to pretend you are bench pressing something light (but everything is light to you right). This may be tricky because you are NOT laying down, you are sitting in a chair and you will be lifting directly in front of you.

6. If you did step 5 correct, everyone in the office should be looking at you right now. This is your time to shine. Go double time on the imaginary bench press for about 10 seconds. This should get everyone infatuated with you. Time to capitalize!

7. Remove your headphones, and call all of your coworkers over to you computer.

8. Once they are all surrounding you in all your glory. Enter this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aemXgP-2xyg (cause any video with Carl Douglas in the background is gonna be sweet) and bask in all your popularity. If you did everything correct you will be the greatest individual in the office at that moment and one happy clam person.

2 very different videos

2 very different videos...but both awesome.

Do you...?

Do you....

ask yourself "When I cry alone in the woods, am I making a sound...?"

fart in a meeting with just you and another person realizing after that there's no chance of getting away with it?

imagine yourself as a guest character on full house, beloved by all, who eventually comes clean about being the real father of Comet?

go to the grocery store hungry, only to buy a stupid amount of food?

try to Facetime people in your contact list you don't know well using your iPhone praying for them to answer causing a gloriously awkward moment?

catch yourself practicing how your going to handle the heated moment when your wife finds out you have not 1...but 4 wives and also a disgusting half-brother you keep chained in your basement?

wonder what it would be like to be a fly....on the ground?

act a lot tougher when you play xbox live?

catch yourself being mesmerized by all the incredible deals in the Victoria Secret Catalog?

eat soggy wheat?

trust a Masseur with 5 syllables in his last name to give your wife a massage?

not use the instructions when putting together IKEA furniture so you are able to be more artistic?

ride a horse bare-back while wearing a white t-shirt with overalls?

not wash your hands after going number 1 in your own home because you pay good chunk of rent to do whatever the hell you want in your own home without people judging you?

turn the sink on in the bathroom while you have guests, only to appear to have washed your hands after using the restroom?

run into a barbed-wire fence naked and sober when you knew very well the fence was there?

glance multiple times as to not stare?

daydream about being a superhero who was attacked by wild horses, then raised by the horses only to become. Horseman. Wearing a costume that requires a horse type head and becoming rural areas most trusted crime fighter, stopping cow tippers and barn burners etc...only to snap out of it 5 hours later and realize you have just came up with the greatest idea ever?

Well if you do....then you might be comparable to the person who thought of the "Microwave T.V"....

(now accepting investors)

Thoughts on this point in my life.

With graduation just around the corner, me and big Liz (that's what I call her, it may or may not have caused an eating disorder) are excited as this guy was to film his song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0

Me and Lizzy have worked hard(well she has and I'm very proud of her) and were ready for the world

Many questions have arrived as to what we may do after we graduate. Liz has a great job at Neutron Interactive and will remain there because she is awesome at it. I currently work as a video editor for a company who edits military videos, StoryRock. I plan on staying here a while, but while doing so...Me, my brother Alex and JP(Jordan Peterson not to be confused with Jardine Phepherstine) are starting our own company processing credit cards. So I have my future mapped out for the moment.

As for other, more personal endeavors, I will definitely riding my dirt bike a lot more. Some of you (maybe 7/9) already know I love to ride dirt bikes. I don't consider myself a thrill seeker, but I do love a good thrill http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlDaFYyxDAY .Problem is, all my friends have either became too corporate to ride, or too flaky. It is sad, and I miss those days. I ride alone now, either at the motocross track, or in the open desert (don't worry, if I die I carry my cell phone in my boot.) It is a passion of mine. There is a sense of freedom while on a bike that I have never got from other hobbies, I'll always do it..

I also love movies. I'm not a good movie critic, and am not super insightful, but I have always loved the use of imagination and a good story. I am finally putting my own imagination to some use by writing my own movies. No, I am not banking on this as a career, but my long life dream would be to get something I write on the big screen. Your probably thinking "This guy is weird, and the chances of him making a movie are the same as this hideous wart on my inner thigh disappearing" and you are probably right, but I love doing it and it keeps me motivated in life. My first screenplay was called "The Undaunted" About a bounty hunter in the Old West, who seeks vengeance all the while unaware vengeance is being sought on him. He teams up with a young and adventurous John. His journey comes to a climax as he is forced to fight the men after him and confront his haunting past.

Pretty intense stuff, anyway, I submitted it to a competition for fun and did surprisingly well so I decided to write another. The second was called "Art" and it was a comedy about a rough edged but likable border patrolman who catches David, a young Mexican boy, crossing the border in search of his father. After discovering his father's whereabouts (he is a Mexican game show host) the two journey to confront him. Their friendship blossoms, leading Art to confront his past. (both stories confront troubled pasts, I know). I would love for either John C. Reilly or Jeff Bridges to play the character "Art" (again, just dreaming, but they would be perfect)

I recently submitted both of these to the biggest screenwriting competition in the world. About 7000 entries enter and the first cut reduces entries to about 250. So chances are about 3% to make the first cut, I'm not counting on it. But... If I did, I would be on a great screenwriting path.

Characters are my strong point. I'm alright at creating stories but I have focused on making them unique. Writing is hard and requires a lot of patience, each movie I wrote were about 110 pages each. It took me a little over a year to write both. Screenplays don't read like books(Ever read a screenplay? try it, $1000 says you don't finish it.) What you write is what is on screen, and there is a strict formatting regiment. But I love putting my mind to work and accomplishing something. It's a great feeling to create a story from nothing on my own and I'm proud of the work I have done. I am currently conjuring up a third screenplay idea, suggestions...?

This is me. The dirt-biking-screenwriter with the greatest body I personally have ever seen. And yes, the picture at the top had everything to do with this post.

Questions I must have answers to: Round 2

A while back I posted questions...Many people wanted more of these questions so, like I love to do, I started picking my own brain for info...(If you missed round 1, check it:

http://zachhelmslife.blogspot.com/2010/11/questions-i-must-have-answers-to.html

BIG RUBBER EXERCISE BALL: Does anybody actually use you for exercise or are you just always in the way?

PACE MANNION: Does anyone else have a hard time envisioning your first make out?

REMAKE YOUTUBE VIDEO GUY: Why are you so hard to satisfy? Must lil' Wayne be the back round music for every video?

SNOOKI: Am I the only one who wants to see if you roll better down a hill than a big ball?

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE: To wipe standing or sitting...that is the question?

THE JAZZ/KARL MALONE? If we hire you as coach, will the Jazz play better in third person?

COMMUNITY: Am I just too stupid to think you're funny? I go with NOT the latter.

BUTLER: 3 buckets from inside the arc, 2 bench points, 12/64 shooting? You suck.

ALF: I know you talked a lot about eating cats, but why didn't they ever show it? That's what I wanted, Alf.

TACO BELL: A taco within a burrito filled with chips, beans, rice, wrapped in 2 other burritos inside a sombrero made of a hard shelled taco...What do you think?

MORE BATHROOM ETIQUETTE: Is using the handicap stall okay? What do I do if I see those dreaded rubber wheels from under the stall door?

BREAKING BAD: Is Jesse going to shoot Gale!?

GORDON HEYWARD: What the hell does liz see in you?

STANDING OVER YOUR SHOULDER AFTER CONVERSATION IS OVER STARING AT YOUR COMPUTER AWKWARDLY AT WORK GUY: Please leave?

CASEY JONES (NINJA TURTLES): How can 20 years do such a butt load?

TO...................................

SLOTH: Can my whole body fit between your eyes? (please tell sloth to read this)

DRIVE THRU EMPLOYEE: Is anyone else sick of repeating your order ten times these days?

BARACK OBAMA: I have been seeing you a lot on Sportscenter lately, are you an Analyst?

NBA/NFL LOCKOUT: Anybody want to take up hardcore drugs?

MAKING UP BABY NAMES: Sam+ Ryan +Josh= Saryosh....acceptable in Utah?

This really bugs me.

This would have easily been #2 on my all time best character list. I'm so sorry. I forgot. Enjoy.

COUSIN EDDIE- Christmas Vacation: Randy Quaid

Cousin Eddie and Snot
Christmas Vacation at MOVIECLIPS.com

Top 10 most awesome movie characters

Here is a list of my personal favorite characters of all time. They flat out make me giggle and enjoy the thing I call life.

10. FRANK "THE TANK"- Old School: Will Ferrell

9. CHUBS PETERSON- Happy Gilmore: Carl Weathers


8. DR. PETER VENKMAN- Ghostbusters: Bill Murray

We Came, We Saw, We Kicked Its Ass!
Ghostbusters at MOVIECLIPS.com

7. BARTHOLOMEW HUNT- Almost Heroes: Chris Farley


6. RON BURGUNDY- Anchorman: Will Ferrell

Watch Out for the Guns
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy at MOVIECLIPS.com

5. DIGNAN- Bottle Rocket: Owen Wilson


4. KIP- Napoleon Dynomite: Aaron Ruell


3. KIRK LAZARUS- Tropic Thunder: Robert Downing jr.


2. HEALY- There's something about Mary: Matt Dillon

Those Goofy Bastards
There's Something About Mary at MOVIECLIPS.com

1. ERNIE MCCRACKEN- Kingpin: Bill Murray

Here is a clip of "Big Ern" to make everything better. His exit at the end of the scene is the best.

Roy and Ernie's Reunion
Kingpin at MOVIECLIPS.com

Watch these characters if you haven't yet. They will make a joyous occasion.

Honorable Mentions:

BORAT- Borat: Sacha Baron Cohen

JENNY MEYER- Better Off Dead: Kim Darby (plays John Cusack's Mom)

TY WEBB- Caddyshack: Chevy Chase

Give me a break.

Caught a glimpse of my bro-in-law DAVE'S abs while he did the dishes and had to sneak a pic.

How am I suppose to compete with that?

One diverse S.O.B.

I have been told that I am a man of many faces, but I would like to think I'm just not that picky of things I like in life. I do and follow intently all types sports whether they be Basketball, Motocross and horse shoes and everything in between. I am entertained by Great movies like Shawshank Redemption but will turn around and watch "Leprechaun" and tivo "Mean Girls 2". Don't hate.

T.V. Shows I range as far as the eye can see. I will watch a season of "Ultimate Fighter" then turn and tivo a season of "Full house" and watch every episode. People think I'm weird but It's just me. Entertainment comes easy to old Zach. So come visit me and we will hit some big moto jumps then settle the night down with Little Caesars and a few episodes of Golden Girls.

I recently watched the last 4 seasons of boy meets world. Here's what I think:

Cory: I have 1 answer for you and the sexual frustrations Topanga burdens you with....Shaun

The latter: No matter how hard you try I will never feel sorry for you and your trailer trash back round.

Eric: Rico Suave to Rico Retard...how could those writers do that to you?

Topanga: I must have been blind to FP when I was a kid.

Feeni: You were the rock of the show and somehow found a way to be the kids teacher from junior high to college. Your advise was there when my fathers failed.

#1

My favorite scene of all time. It's incredible.

Freedom!
Braveheart at MOVIECLIPS.com

#2

Another tie

Many people love this scene from Pulp Fiction. It is pretty trendy but still fantastic.

The scene from No Country for Old Men is awesome and very intense.

(At 2:23 on pulp fiction, it says bad word, forgot to edit that so skip it or you will be damned)

Call It, Friend-O
No Country for Old Men at MOVIECLIPS.com

#3

This is my favorite score of all time and the scene is incredible. Cinema at it's finest. Watch entire scene to feel the build up of the music. It's great.

#4

This scene is amazing. I know it goes down in history as amazing too for it's symbology and the parallel scenes of polar opposites.

The Baptism Murders
The Godfather at MOVIECLIPS.com

#5

We have a tie for #5. Both very enjoyable.

"60 % of the time, it works everytime"

and

"If he asks us to go, we'll stay" (give them a sec to load, you won't be disappointed)

60% of the Time, It Works Every Time
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy at MOVIECLIPS.com

and

The Sundance Kid
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid at MOVIECLIPS.com

#6

This movie has some awesome scenes. This one in particular was very intense and the cinematography was really cool. I couldn't find where the ringwraith was hovering over the hobbits by the road, but this one will definitely do. 2:02 is one of my favorite shots of all time.

#7

Dicaprio , Damon, Nicholson, Walberg, Baldwin and many more. Plus Scorsese. Hard not to be amazing. This is the intro to The Departed. In particular, Jack Nicholson's role. Awesome set up to an awesome movie.

#8

Remember, these are clips from some of my personal favorite movies. They are in no way even close to the best world renown cinema scenes/clips.
This probably should be closer to #1 in my book.
This clip is from Snatch. It is a film by Guy Ritchie. In it, Tommy and his protection go to a pikey camp to buy a caravan but get into a little trouble with Mickey (Brad Pitt) I love this intro to pitt's character.

#9 Thanks Olaf

Hot bread Zeek!
#9

Great Clips

No, not the amazing hair stylists. For the next little while I will be posting 10 of my favorite movie clips. No, maybe not the greatest clips in cinema, but some of my personal favorites. Without further adieu...Number 10

I love the fact that he has to poke him with the fake hand. Pure genious in my opinion. I wish it had showed Adam getting pelted by the baseballs but I love this clip. The good ol' Adam was great.