Monday, July 25, 2011

Summer Time

It's been a long time since I blogeded. Long have I missed the gentle caress of stroking the keys of my wireless mac keyboard with useless information.

I'll start with a clip from one of the funniest shows out in the open. It's always sunny in Phili.

My summer is as follow:

Breaking Bad. Yes it is the best show on the television screen which is in my living room. Watching Walter White cook and deal meth has helped me to better relate to the tweakers in my neighborhood. I love this show, season 4 shall not disappoint. If you haven't seen this show. Watch it, it's good clean fun for a family all above the age of 18.

Summer movies. One was Harry Potter. I thought it was a great way to end the 'never ending' series. This scene was questionable at best but the actual ending where Harry is an even uglier adult than he is a teenager, Ron having a gut and Hermione just remaining her gorgeous self was funny but had to be done. They can't bring in random actors to end the series. I understand that.

Summer has been great. Swimming at Shermans with my crappy ganers and living the good life. Me and big Liz also just bought a home in bountiful, so come by and visit. Make sure to send a letter of your request first so me and Liz can analyze if, and when, you can come over(I accept all major chocolates and money).

I also found this gem.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Special D

We told him if he smiled and was a good boy we would give him a treat.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Robe

With so many superhero movies coming out these days, we are all too familiar with the powers of "The Cape". The common man simply throws a cape over his back and he is transformed. The man is now able to do anything. His ability to do great works has no bounds. Nerds can fly, big men become "Gods of Thunder" and kids can put the flowing robe on and fight crime. This simple wardrobe change seems to bring out the best in people.

If "The Cape" is the key to potential and ambition, then "The Robe"
is the key to laziness and seems to strip people of all ambition and desire to do good for mankind.

Meet "Robe Liz"

As soon as Liz gets home she seeks out what I call the "devil's comfort clothe". Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring it doesn't matter, it's going on. When she wraps that awful red noun around her, her desire to clean or even move is swept away. She turns into a human rock on the couch with an arm, a remote and reruns of "Sex and the City" blaring in front of her. If you wish her to do something for you you will get the all too familiar MOAN. Infamous and agonizing, this sound comes with no surprise. As if speaking would require too much effort and kill the reputation the robe has worked so hard on achieving.

Liz wears her "cape" all day long at work, conquering the world but, at home, it's Robe Liz, so get up and get your own damn glass of water. (It's ok, I know it's the robe talking, not Lizzy)

If I hide one, another will appear. They will not stop, there is always backups. Most come with a personal name engraved on them so there is no way of getting rid of this thing, someone will return it, thats just the power of the robe. Men will never understand them and their magical appearance after the wedding. These long things, with their worthless tie strap, come in all literally all colors: camo, leopard print you name it. The robe don't mind being ugly.

Gentlemen, you are not alone. Men everywhere are dealing with wives in robes. Stay strong. It's worth it for those special moments when the robe releases its grip on your loved one and they are back to their productive selves buying cookies and cleaning like the girl you met before "The Robe".

Monday, May 16, 2011

Top 5 greatest moments in history

5. Screech doing work
Zack kissed Lisa, causing Screech to rip Zack's clothes off.

4. Jesse and her addiction
Jesse takes hardcore drugs to help her juggle her school and singing career.

3. AC and Zack fight over the same girl
Zack and AC sabotage each other's dates and it comes to a mind boggling climax.

2. AC has got the moves.
AC decides to actually show Kelly his dance moves at The Max. There is a time a place for everything AC, and you definitely understood that before you mesmerized us with this.

Everytime I point to a random corner and say "Hit it" things always work out.

1. Friends Forever
If I could ever get through this song without shedding a tear, I would not be human.

"Friends forever" Zack Attack
Tags: "Friends forever" Zack Attack

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Steps to living the good life at work

You want this don't you? Well you can have it! My great and successful friend Zach Helm (Author of such books as "The Chimp who ate one-thousand Rice Crispy Treats" and "Diary of a Mad Milano Woman") once taught me...There is a time to "work"...and there is a time to "be at work". And sometimes you just need to "be at work" to start off the day. But being at work is a lot better if you are the main muchacho/woman (girls, this works for you too!) in the office. So follow these steps for everyone to refer to you as "that guy":

1. On your way to "work" stop your local gas station and ask the cashier if they have Tropical Fruit CapriSun. If they don't (they sometimes do not carry this particular brand of juice), pick yourself up a strawberry milk and grab a Nutri-grain bar while your at it.

2. flip a quarter to the gas station cashier and say "Keep the change" after, of course, you already paid using your card. Cashier's eat that crap up. Remember, you're awesome.

3. Walk into work while running your hands through your hair winking at everybody over the age of 50. Don't strut, limp, it's cooler. Make sure you are sipping your CapriSun too.

4. Sit down at your computer, put your headphones in and visit,udD9KDvrOSg.html and let it ride.

5. Next, your gonna want to pretend you are bench pressing something light (but everything is light to you right). This may be tricky because you are NOT laying down, you are sitting in a chair and you will be lifting directly in front of you.

6. If you did step 5 correct, everyone in the office should be looking at you right now. This is your time to shine. Go double time on the imaginary bench press for about 10 seconds. This should get everyone infatuated with you. Time to capitalize!

7. Remove your headphones, and call all of your coworkers over to you computer.

8. Once they are all surrounding you in all your glory. Enter this (cause any video with Carl Douglas in the background is gonna be sweet) and bask in all your popularity. If you did everything correct you will be the greatest individual in the office at that moment and one happy clam person.

Friday, May 6, 2011

2 very different videos

2 very different videos...but both awesome.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Do you...?

Do you....

ask yourself "When I cry alone in the woods, am I making a sound...?"

fart in a meeting with just you and another person realizing after that there's no chance of getting away with it?

imagine yourself as a guest character on full house, beloved by all, who eventually comes clean about being the real father of Comet?

go to the grocery store hungry, only to buy a stupid amount of food?

try to Facetime people in your contact list you don't know well using your iPhone praying for them to answer causing a gloriously awkward moment?

catch yourself practicing how your going to handle the heated moment when your wife finds out you have not 1...but 4 wives and also a disgusting half-brother you keep chained in your basement?

wonder what it would be like to be a fly....on the ground?

act a lot tougher when you play xbox live?

catch yourself being mesmerized by all the incredible deals in the Victoria Secret Catalog?

eat soggy wheat?

trust a Masseur with 5 syllables in his last name to give your wife a massage?

not use the instructions when putting together IKEA furniture so you are able to be more artistic?

ride a horse bare-back while wearing a white t-shirt with overalls?

not wash your hands after going number 1 in your own home because you pay good chunk of rent to do whatever the hell you want in your own home without people judging you?

turn the sink on in the bathroom while you have guests, only to appear to have washed your hands after using the restroom?

run into a barbed-wire fence naked and sober when you knew very well the fence was there?

glance multiple times as to not stare?

daydream about being a superhero who was attacked by wild horses, then raised by the horses only to become. Horseman. Wearing a costume that requires a horse type head and becoming rural areas most trusted crime fighter, stopping cow tippers and barn burners etc...only to snap out of it 5 hours later and realize you have just came up with the greatest idea ever?

Well if you do....then you might be comparable to the person who thought of the "Microwave T.V"....
(now accepting investors)