Video life

Well as some of you(maybe 3/4 of you) know I am in a film major. I shot a scene for class. It was a definite learning experience and lots of work. Without further intro here it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k7KGYkmPs

Also another great interview hosted by Simon Santiago

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sg9VYYky-bo

Oh Voldemort. What are we gonna' do with you?

I always respected Voldemort. How can you not with magic skills like that? But after seeing the 7th installment of the Harry Potter series I'm not too sure about this guy people. First off, we have never seen this dude with a woman. No story or nothing about even a fling he has had. With powers and magic skills like this guy has you'd think he would have gotten with every witch in Diagon alley. But he just doesn't seem to care. But why? I have always wondered about his and Wormtails relationship...Could be...Could be...But let's delve deeper.
In the movie, Ron and Harry are trying to kill a horcrux (an object with a piece of Voldemort's soul in it). This Horcrux is a locket. They have to open it. Then kill the piece of soul inside. But in this particular Horcrux we find a simulation of Harry. Not just any simulation...a simulation of Harry naked. Yes Voldemort took the time to design a simulation of his arch-nemisis ...naked...no pants or blouse. I know the two had a connection but not like this. I think there are 7 horcruxes. We can now only imagine what type of wierd nude simulations Voldemort has filled them with, maybe a Weasley or two, we'll see, either way not cool Tom Riddle. Then, later in the movie, Voldemort needs to get something out of Dumbledore's grave. Most of us, if we needed to do some grave robbin', which I'm sure we all have, would get in and get out ya know? But not our man Voldemort. Nope. He opens the casket and instead of just grabbing what he wants, he hovers over Dumbledores dead body. For a second I really thought "he is going to kiss Dumbledore on the lips". He didn't, but he still just seemed to enjoy being an inch away from an old mans dead body. Either way, Voldemort has got more issues than just the "Order of the Phoenix" to worry about. The man needs a psychiatrist.

Questions I must have answers to.

A few questions I have to have the answers to.

Karl Malone: Do you really wear sketchers around town?
Barbara Walters: Why am I attracted to you?
Shake Weight: Do you have any idea?
Kyle Daley: How do we yell so much but never brake the 12 inch whisper rule?
Hamburglar: With your part as McDonald's marketing team, couldn't you afford to buy your own hamburgers instead of stealing them from innocent children?
Bob Saget: Did you really sign that framed picture I have of you?
Brad Pitt: How do you confuse even the straightest of men?
Arab Neighbor: Why do we avoid saying anything to each other making it more awkward?
Justin Bieber: Why are you mimicking my childhood?
Grandpa's Horse: Why did you trample me all those years ago? I will never, ever, trust you again.
David Sherman: Why did you marry my sister? Personal gain? Popularity? I need to know.
A.C. Slater: When did Jessie start liking you calling her 'Momma'? (Liz isn't responding to it the way I would like her to.)
Provo Pedestrian: May I run you over?
Liz Helm: How do you not like 'Swamp People' on History Channel?
Dexter: Am I the only one that thinks you suck this season?
Spicy McChicken: How can you taste so good yet I don't know exactly what your made of?
Mother: Why won't you return my calls?
Kyrylo Fesenko: Will you marry one of my sisters? You just seem like a great guy.
Money: Will we stop this feud we're having? I said I was sorry. Come back to me.
Cody Lambert (Step By Step): Why did your mean uncle make you live in that van? That house was plenty big to squeeze you in buddy. I'm sorry.
Facebook: How did I wind up looking at this Austrian family's photo album.

That is all.

Nastalgia

Zachy learned new word! The definition of which I have have wasted countless hours on explaining to people why I like things. Yes. Nastalgia! Sums up the reason I still watch movies like: Masters of the Universe, It, and of course...Surf Ninjas(still Rob Schneiders best movie). Nastalgia runs my life. It's true, I could be in the most important meeting of my life, hear the sounds of the ice cream man, and instantly I'm stressed and paniced. I would rush out of that important meeting only not to have to hear something we all hated hearing so much growing up.
The ice cream truck music fading away.
Catching that Ice cream truck panting, and gasping for air, struggling to pull out the change I scrounged up or stole out of my parents change jar, then having that African Ice Cream man hand me my "Shark" Ice cream with his smile and accent...gosh that was sweet.
Catching that Ice cream truck is still a top priority in my life due to Nastalgia. I will have my Ice Cream.




But let me show you when you might think the words comes into play, but doesn't. Examples:
Full House.
Eating boogers.
Playing with toys in the shower for hours.
Egging elementary schools.

I love these things just because I love them. Don't try to stop me.

Eat it Matt Damon

The year is 1997. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon have a breakthrough script and win an Academy Award for it: Good Will Hunting. Awesome screenplay. Their careers took off after that, but in completely different directions.
Matt Damon: Saving Private Ryan, The Bourne Series, The Departed.
Ben Affleck: Daredevil, Paycheck, Gigli.
It seemed that Damon had a taste for Oscars, and Affleck had a taste for watching Damon receive them while sitting on his couch thinking of more stupid movies to be in or more movies he could watch his wife hook up with other men in. But those days are over as of now. The Town.

Starring Ben Affleck, Written by Ben Affleck, and directed by guess who...Big Ben. Talk about redeeming yourself. best picture so far this year in my book and Affleck was amazing in it, who would have thought cause he sucks in almost every other movie. This action packed Boston Thriller has everything a good movie needs. Great story, deep characters, great acting, and cinematography. I loved it. Not quite up there with the Departed in my book but extremely close. Move over Inception, no Best Picture for you. My opinion of course. Its about Charleston and a group of friends who rob banks but are kind of stuck in a rut in the town. See it if you like those types of movies. About time a movie like this comes around. It gets a 9/10 on Zach meter.

Back to the basics

Ok, I know I'm suppose to talk about the entertainment industry, so I will do just that.

Zac Efron- Sexy right? Ok, i'll admit that. But he is no Brad Pitt. My sister claims that he is the next Brad. Lets see...imagine skinny, pretty, weak Zac Efron playing roles in movies like Fight Club, Troy, Snatch, Inglorious Basterds? Can you imagine little Zac getting a bunch of disturbed jews pumped up to go out and slaughter Nazi's, then scalping them? I don't think so. Ya, that's right Zac, I saw your last movie, you sailed boats, you are still a weak Disney boy to me. I was disappointed to say the least. Not the best foot forward to start your movie career with. Advise, get a new agent. P.S you spell your name stupid. (I was hoping Liz walked in on me googling that pic, It would have made for a great scenario)


INCEPTION- Best movie of the year, not that it has had too much competition(honestly can you think of any other good movies this year?). Leo did play pretty much the same role he did in Shutter Island (wife baggage) but he did awesome as usual. He has to be the best actor around these days. My wife Liz thought Ellen Page(Juno chick) was bad casting. I thought she did good with the role, not a tough role or anything, but she did good. Although she caught on to the whole "designing dreams" idea in the movie too quickly, but not too quickly to not suspend my disbelief. Cool movie, awesome cinematography, and cool directing(Christopher Nolan). He chooses his films wisely and does awesome every time (Dark Knight, Memento, Prestige ext...

Movies I need to see: Toy Story 3, The Expendables(dumb looking but oh well), The Town, I'm still here(joaquin phoenix documentary), Scott Pilgrim, just some off the top my head.

Industry disappointments(besides Zac): Steven Spielberg. To think this man made movies like Schindlers List then a decade later do Transformers? Then destroy Indiana Jones rep with the 4th movie of that series. C'mon Steve, your HBO series are great, but your movies suck lately.
Johnny Depp: When was the last time you saw this dude in a good movie? Talent wasted.

No more

No more training
No more soreness
No more exhausted Zach
No more cranky Zach (well most the time)
No more not riding my dirt bike
No more seeing the same guy selling tie dyed shirts every lap around the park
No more ruining my favorite music by running to it
No more drinking water instead of dew
No more chaffing
No more taping up nipples
No more salt face
No more running shoes
No more marathon!
But worst of all
No more summer:(

Yes I did my marathon. I am very glad its over, cause it was quite the ordeal. After a few months of training I was as ready as I let myself get. On the wednesday before the race, I decided to take it easy by playing flag football only to dislocate my t-5 vertebrae diving for the ball. With only two days till the marathon, I was barely able to walk with my back swollen, and out of commission. It sucked. But with the Running gods having compassion on me, they placed a chiropractor in my path. The night before the run I had him pop my vertebrae back in place, but I was far from healed. I could still barely walk let alone run. I iced my back the night before, and prayed for a miracle. I don't take too many things seriously, but I had trained hard and was really upset that I probably couldn't run the next day. No matter what I was going to complete that marathon, not because I'm tough, but because I'm cheap. I payed for the marathon, shoes, knee brace ext.. and I was not losing my investment. And the time put into it helped motivate me too.
The morning of the run I got up at 5 a.m. I hardly slept the night before. My cute wife traveled with me to park city and my back was still swollen and hurting. I iced it all the way up to Park City. I refrained from warming up other than stretching due to the fact that my back was still in too much pain. It was still dark but the time came to start the grueling run and we took off. All I could do was hope that my back was ok enough to run. I started going and my back hurt but was bareable, a true miracle, and by 1 mile my back wasn't bothering me at all.
I made my way on the trek battling a lot of uphills listening as well as I could to "hunger games" the book on audio. I began talking to this 66 year old man, and he gave me running advise. I had drinken a lot of water all week, and kept drinking at every aid station, but mile 6-11 was a dirt road with no aid stations, it was a killer for me. During that time I had run a few hills, which were tough, but by the time I hit mile 14 it was the start of a 4 mile trek uphill to deer valley. This was the deal breaker. The old man I was running with(who was running his 78th marathon) had had enough and was sick and forced to drop out. I was almost upset the uphills were so frustrating, I couldn't believe I chose my first marathon to be one of if not the toughest marathon in Utah. I came up on mile 18 and my legs were starting to seize up on me. Hamstrings, quads, calves, everything. I couldn't stretch on muscle cause the other side would start to get a charlie horse in it. Bad sign for someone who has 8 miles left. So much for being hydrated. Then I came across the hill from hell, it was a block long and looked like the steepest hill in San Francisco. The old man had told me earlier about this hill and told me not to run it or I would have nothing left. Considering I thought I had nothing left even before the hill, the decision to walk up it was an easy one. After getting up that hill my wife and family were there waiting for me, and cheering me on. My dad and Candice started running with me. I knew there was only 8 miles left, but I didn't have much left in the tank, but luckily my legs just kept moving, I don't know how they did. My dad and sister helped out so much and pushed me to keep my pace. My dad called it quits after being a trooper and running a few miles with me. Candice and I made our way to mile 22. By this time my legs were done for and I felt like I was shuffling my feet instead of running but somehow keeping pace. I trucked through the last 4 miles, those of which are hard to describe how I felt. You will have to run one of these to know what goes on in your head when you hit a running wall. With about .2 miles left both my calves seized up, my feet would not bend. I was running on 2 pogo sticks. My goal was to run it in 4hrs and 30 minutes. My time was running out. I came around the last corner and saw the finish line, the audience cheering, and the timer that read 4:29:40. I had to hurry, but I couldn't run, just hobbling, but fast. I couldn't really relish in the cheering at the finish line, I just wanted to accomplish my goal. I crossed the finish line. I did it in 4:49:47. Hours and hours of training payed off as I sat down on the nearest bench, put my head down in relief. As cheesy as it sounds, sitting there just on the other side of the finish line was a very peaceful moment for me, something I'll always remember. Probably because I haven't accomplished a ton in my life, but it was special.

Good stuff. I'm not a runner, never have been. But It was memorable to put a challenge in front of me and work hard and accomplish it. Some think these marathons are no big deal and do them all the time. Well I suck at running, so it was hard for me, and I'm glad its over. Thanks for my family for coming out and cheering me on, I couldn't have done it without them and their prayers for my back. I don't know if I will ever do another one again. But thinking about sitting on the bench after crossing the finishing line knowing all my hard work was payed off, that makes me want to do it again.

Let my mouth do the talking

Well a lot has happened since I bloggeded( don't know the verb). I have gone to Cali, Lake Powell, and New York. Yes I am a lucky boy and I have to thank my mother for giving birth to me so I was able to experience such things. Also one other bit of horrible news.
Marathon.
Yes I am running one. I ran around Central Park in New York and I started talking marathon and the next thing I knew I was signed up for the Park City Marathon on August 21st.
I have a confession to make. Remember the picture I put on a few blogs back where my shirt was off and my body was fantastically fantastic. Well it wasn't actually me. In fact, running has made my body do the opposite.

If it's not my knee's flaring up, its my achilles, or my thighs, or my back. I know, I'm a wuss. But I signed up with only 2 1/2 months till the marathon and I'm having to push my body through a lot.
Let's get one thing straight. I don't like running. I'm not a runner, and yes it is ruining my summer, but oh well, I'm signed up and am gonna run even if my body starts to look even more like Mr. Burns.
Since I'm new to running I thought it was a social type of activity. Unfortunately I was quick to find out that people don't like socializing while there running. I have been having a hard time making new friends out on the track. They don't seem to want to talk to me or even get to know me while we are both huffing and puffing.
Anyway, my friends think i'm crazy. My wife hates that I'm always tired and cranky, and I don't blame them. It will all be over soon and I will go back to being the Zach you all recognize.
Come run with me and I will be your best friend.

Not the city of Brotherly love

As many of you know, I do not enjoy the company of my brother-in-law Dave.
Our managers could not come up with any agreement to put our fight together, see original fight promo at :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1roFYS5hUDw
so I'm looking for any other support so we can all send him packing.


Please support me with my decision to put an end to my sisters marriage.
As you can see, he's a Monster.
(Adjust scroller if problems with video playback)

Conando to the Rescue!

This just in, Conan to TBS!
I am excited that Conan has found a new place to rest his head next to Andy's.
But what does this mean for the current TBS Late Night host, the extremely popular George "Jorge" Lopez? I'm sure you remember him from such critically acclaimed films as "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" and "Tortilla Heaven". It looks like all the rolling of his "r's" for 30 seconds straight and impersonations of spunky Mexican women will be pushed back an hour to make room for Conan. Poor us.
Supposedly George Lopez called Conan to talk to him about coming to TBS. I'm sure their conversation went like this: Conan: "Hello". Lopez:"Conan, como estas It's George Lopez". Conan:"Who the hell is George Lopez?"
When O'brien originally took over the tonight show, he had some big shoes to fill. I believe the "tonight show" shoe fit perfectly, but it just wasn't the right kind of shoe.
Now we will see Conan taking over another hosts "tonight show" but only this time the shoe he has to fill is that of a very small baby, with no toes. Needless to say, TBS will get plenty good use out of everyone's favorite lurpy red-head. I'm sure they will accept the "Horny Manatee" with open arms. Congrats Conando, see you in a few weeks.

Talk about progress!

Well my 4 gracious and beautiful followers, my dedication to sexiness in the month of may is going along well. As you can tell from this picture the Paparazzi caught of me jogging in down town provo, this workout thing started off a little rough.



But now, 6 days into the month, Things are looking a little better and I don't mind my body being on the cover of Provo weekly.



So keep slapping me fives and patting me on the butt when you see me on the street, I love a good inspirational pat.

To fat, or not to fat?

This has been a hard day for me.
I caught recent news of a burger, The Big Mac. I'd never heard of it either, but it's fatty, or so they say. So I overcame my phobia of not ordering off the Dollar Menu and tried it. After eating the sloppy burger it suddenly hit me. I suffer from MANHOOD Obesity.

It was such a natural process that I should have noticed. The sudden burst of belly. The spending of $10 off the Dollar Menu. Manhood Obesity has struck another victim.
I should have known it was coming my way when I kept casting myself in roles where the movie called for a gross, shirtless individual. It's a terrible realization.

I use to come out of the shower, look in the mirror, flex my pecs, smile and admire the water flowing through my Ab creases like deep rivers (part of that is true by the way, I use to shower). But for now I'm stuck with disgusting roles where women are repulsed at the site of my terrible figure. One day I will be cast as the skinny dork again, but not today.

To overcome "Manhood Obesity" I will be a determined boy in the month of April. This includes: Jogging, Sprinting, Running, Trotting, and speed walking. Oh yes, April will be my month, you just keep an eye for a new Calvin Klein model this summer, he might just look a lot like me.

NIghty Thoughts

Things I find curious why people do: just random zach thoughts

A photo of man with his shirt off and his head pressed against a womans womb. I love these photos. I hope liz and I will pose like this one day.


When someone is wearing a cast on their arm and I ask them "Hey what happened to your arm?" and they reply "I broke it."....well of coarse you did, now answer my question please.

Sometimes when I'm cleaning a window, the smudge I'm trying to wipe off always ends up on the other side? That usually takes me an hour before i figure that out.

I was thinking about this today. What's the difference between 'fat chance' and 'slim chance'?

If I'm too lazy to start anything, I might get a reputation for patience. That would be good for me.

Thank you for enduring my nightly thoughts of random things i have been thinking about.

No need for Poppin' Popcorn

I do love movies. I love criticizing them, and finding great and creative things filmmakers do that most won't notice. I'm not saying I am stuck up film watcher that everyone hates to watch movies with, but I do notice things. And I occasionally make fun of people who like stupid movies (people who paid for "Valentines Day" I'm looking your way). My brain only goes so deep so I'm no Robert Ebert, but I don't need to be to point out these bad movies.
These are some movies that blew me away watching them(not in a good way). Movies I find myself talking the entire time about how bad they are. These movies are high budget. Low budget ones at least have an excuse.

Movies I hate:

WILD HOGS - All this show needed was Samuel L. Jackson and it could have been the worst movie of all time. Middle aged men, of course one of them being black and the comic relief, set off on motorcycle road trip. They run into "for sale" signs and birds, of course they do cause most middle age men do that riding motorcycles right? Oh and they are bullied by the Buttercream Gang of biker gangs, I was very worried for them. Watch this if you want to see Travolta continue destroying his career, or if your upset and feel like yelling at a justified cause.

WICKER MAN - You know that saying "Never remake a classic" Well even worse, never remake the opposite of classic either. I don't even know what to say about this movie. Just sit down and watch it and try not to make fun of it the entire time. I am the only one in the world who hates Nicholas Cage and all his roles with long hair even though his hair line is on the top of his head!? Shave it already, you are a bald man!

FOOLS GOLD - I'm just over matthew McConaughey "swim in every scene" movies. I'm over them! And so is my wife(well she better be but I think she still likes them). Do they just make a movie based around the idea of Matt having his shirt off and swimming in the ocean?
Writer 1: "Ok, what ideas do we got?"
Writer 2:"I got it! I see McConaughey coming out of the ocean onto the beach"
Producer:" I don't know..."
Writer 2:" Did I mention his shirts off as he throws his wet curly hair back?"
Producer:"Writers! you've done it again, lets fast track this one!"
This movie was incredible, it was hard not to be with a script and cast like that.

Oh, and I hate everything with Tyler Perry involved with it, and Barber Shop 1-17.

Movies I don't need to watch because of the title or cover:


And finally a list of crappy movies that truly are my guilty pleasures:
Leprechaun 1-7(including leprechaun in the hood)
Fast and the Furious(actually everything with Paul Walker in it)
and of course anything done by Wolf Productions. And with that I leave you to watch this amazing video done by Stephen Groo himself!

The House is still Full

With shows always coming and going on T.V. there is one show that will always be on (at least during lunch time). FULL HOUSE is still going strong 15 years after the show ended. Is it Danny's never ending dust buster jokes? Joey's incredible impersonations? Or is it the always comic relief, Kimmy Gibbler? But I'm sure we can all agree it was probably Jesse's beautiful hair and his obsession with Elvis. Sexy wannabe bad boy always works in my book. Whatever they did making the show, it has payed off in airtime. I'm sure I am not the only one who had a cathartic experience watching Joey give Stephanie's entire class glasses just to make her feel comfortable wearing them to school. A real tear jerker. And I bet all of us were on the edge of our seats when the girls lost Comet the most adorable dog on the planet. The autographed picture I have of Bob Saget(Danny Tanner) in his usual gorgeous knitted sweater telling me "your too cool" gives me hope of a better "Full House" style life where children listen, 3 single men in a house aren't considered gay, and where the Olsen Twins live in S.F and not in rehab. Yes, but sadly I'm afraid the actors real lives did not reflect their onscreen characters. In Bob Saget's stand up act, he seems to try to say the opposite of what he says on full house. For example. Danny Tanner: "I like it clean" Bob Saget:"I like it dirty" Danny Tanner: "Joey, your my best friend" Bob Saget:"Joey, F you". Yes it's disturbing but the truth none the less. I haven't heard much about Kimmy Gibbler's off screen life, I haven't seen her in any other shows, so I'm sure she is still living with her parents next door to the Tanners house and going over there and getting applause every time she intrudes through the front door. It's not that bad when you compare the show's off screen antics to it's rival "Saved by the Bell". Screech's life, need I say more? Whatever their personal lives consist of, it must not take away from our one constant in an ever changing T.V. world, the Tanners, happy and always demonstrating life experiences. Full House will always be there for you during your lunch break.

Hello, it's me.

Well, I'm really doing this. My name is Zach Helm. Yes the Zach Helm that is married to the famous Liz Rock. I know she blogs, I know she's cute, and I know she is a funny little girl. We have been married for a while now and things are good. She claims she does not want babies, but today I found an "American Baby" magazine addressed to Liz Helm. I don't know what she's up to with that. She is in her own world.
This blog will consist of my thoughts and my movie criticism (which might give away the plot so don't read it if you really want to see the movie).
After brief thought I have discovered that everyone wants attention. The web tools such as Twitter, Facebook, blogs ext... have made it socially acceptable to want attention. Why else would we be posting pictures of ourselves, talking about ourselves, updating status's, We want a little attention and that's great for me. I like it.
Here is my current status:
Sex: M
Married: Yes
Employment: Unemployed (laid off video editor, but not a bum, I promise I will work soon Liz)
Current residence: Provo (unfortunately)
Hobbies: Motor Bike riding, movies, Liz. And picking my brain for information.

I became famous for inventing the microwave, the wheel, and the table

So come along and read what I have to say. If you don't like it, that's ok too, just make sure I never see you in public because I will humiliate you. Good day.