Zachy's Life

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Steps to living the good life at work

You want this don't you? Well you can have it! My great and successful friend Zach Helm (Author of such books as "The Chimp who ate one-thousand Rice Crispy Treats" and "Diary of a Mad Milano Woman") once taught me...There is a time to "work"...and there is a time to "be at work". And sometimes you just need to "be at work" to start off the day. But being at work is a lot better if you are the main muchacho/woman (girls, this works for you too!) in the office. So follow these steps for everyone to refer to you as "that guy":

1. On your way to "work" stop your local gas station and ask the cashier if they have Tropical Fruit CapriSun. If they don't (they sometimes do not carry this particular brand of juice), pick yourself up a strawberry milk and grab a Nutri-grain bar while your at it.

2. flip a quarter to the gas station cashier and say "Keep the change" after, of course, you already paid using your card. Cashier's eat that crap up. Remember, you're awesome.

3. Walk into work while running your hands through your hair winking at everybody over the age of 50. Don't strut, limp, it's cooler. Make sure you are sipping your CapriSun too.

4. Sit down at your computer, put your headphones in and visit http://catmp3.com/Bill-Blacks-Combo-White-River-Sands,udD9KDvrOSg.html and let it ride.

5. Next, your gonna want to pretend you are bench pressing something light (but everything is light to you right). This may be tricky because you are NOT laying down, you are sitting in a chair and you will be lifting directly in front of you.

6. If you did step 5 correct, everyone in the office should be looking at you right now. This is your time to shine. Go double time on the imaginary bench press for about 10 seconds. This should get everyone infatuated with you. Time to capitalize!

7. Remove your headphones, and call all of your coworkers over to you computer.

8. Once they are all surrounding you in all your glory. Enter this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aemXgP-2xyg (cause any video with Carl Douglas in the background is gonna be sweet) and bask in all your popularity. If you did everything correct you will be the greatest individual in the office at that moment and one happy clam person.

Friday, May 6, 2011

2 very different videos

2 very different videos...but both awesome.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Do you...?

Do you....

ask yourself "When I cry alone in the woods, am I making a sound...?"

fart in a meeting with just you and another person realizing after that there's no chance of getting away with it?

imagine yourself as a guest character on full house, beloved by all, who eventually comes clean about being the real father of Comet?

go to the grocery store hungry, only to buy a stupid amount of food?

try to Facetime people in your contact list you don't know well using your iPhone praying for them to answer causing a gloriously awkward moment?

catch yourself practicing how your going to handle the heated moment when your wife finds out you have not 1...but 4 wives and also a disgusting half-brother you keep chained in your basement?

wonder what it would be like to be a fly....on the ground?

act a lot tougher when you play xbox live?

catch yourself being mesmerized by all the incredible deals in the Victoria Secret Catalog?

eat soggy wheat?

trust a Masseur with 5 syllables in his last name to give your wife a massage?

not use the instructions when putting together IKEA furniture so you are able to be more artistic?

ride a horse bare-back while wearing a white t-shirt with overalls?

not wash your hands after going number 1 in your own home because you pay good chunk of rent to do whatever the hell you want in your own home without people judging you?

turn the sink on in the bathroom while you have guests, only to appear to have washed your hands after using the restroom?

run into a barbed-wire fence naked and sober when you knew very well the fence was there?

glance multiple times as to not stare?

daydream about being a superhero who was attacked by wild horses, then raised by the horses only to become. Horseman. Wearing a costume that requires a horse type head and becoming rural areas most trusted crime fighter, stopping cow tippers and barn burners etc...only to snap out of it 5 hours later and realize you have just came up with the greatest idea ever?

Well if you do....then you might be comparable to the person who thought of the "Microwave T.V"....

(now accepting investors)

Monday, April 18, 2011

Thoughts on this point in my life.

With graduation just around the corner, me and big Liz (that's what I call her, it may or may not have caused an eating disorder) are excited as this guy was to film his song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0

Me and Lizzy have worked hard(well she has and I'm very proud of her) and were ready for the world

Many questions have arrived as to what we may do after we graduate. Liz has a great job at Neutron Interactive and will remain there because she is awesome at it. I currently work as a video editor for a company who edits military videos, StoryRock. I plan on staying here a while, but while doing so...Me, my brother Alex and JP(Jordan Peterson not to be confused with Jardine Phepherstine) are starting our own company processing credit cards. So I have my future mapped out for the moment.

As for other, more personal endeavors, I will definitely riding my dirt bike a lot more. Some of you (maybe 7/9) already know I love to ride dirt bikes. I don't consider myself a thrill seeker, but I do love a good thrill http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlDaFYyxDAY .Problem is, all my friends have either became too corporate to ride, or too flaky. It is sad, and I miss those days. I ride alone now, either at the motocross track, or in the open desert (don't worry, if I die I carry my cell phone in my boot.) It is a passion of mine. There is a sense of freedom while on a bike that I have never got from other hobbies, I'll always do it..

I also love movies. I'm not a good movie critic, and am not super insightful, but I have always loved the use of imagination and a good story. I am finally putting my own imagination to some use by writing my own movies. No, I am not banking on this as a career, but my long life dream would be to get something I write on the big screen. Your probably thinking "This guy is weird, and the chances of him making a movie are the same as this hideous wart on my inner thigh disappearing" and you are probably right, but I love doing it and it keeps me motivated in life. My first screenplay was called "The Undaunted" About a bounty hunter in the Old West, who seeks vengeance all the while unaware vengeance is being sought on him. He teams up with a young and adventurous John. His journey comes to a climax as he is forced to fight the men after him and confront his haunting past.

Pretty intense stuff, anyway, I submitted it to a competition for fun and did surprisingly well so I decided to write another. The second was called "Art" and it was a comedy about a rough edged but likable border patrolman who catches David, a young Mexican boy, crossing the border in search of his father. After discovering his father's whereabouts (he is a Mexican game show host) the two journey to confront him. Their friendship blossoms, leading Art to confront his past. (both stories confront troubled pasts, I know). I would love for either John C. Reilly or Jeff Bridges to play the character "Art" (again, just dreaming, but they would be perfect)

I recently submitted both of these to the biggest screenwriting competition in the world. About 7000 entries enter and the first cut reduces entries to about 250. So chances are about 3% to make the first cut, I'm not counting on it. But... If I did, I would be on a great screenwriting path.

Characters are my strong point. I'm alright at creating stories but I have focused on making them unique. Writing is hard and requires a lot of patience, each movie I wrote were about 110 pages each. It took me a little over a year to write both. Screenplays don't read like books(Ever read a screenplay? try it, $1000 says you don't finish it.) What you write is what is on screen, and there is a strict formatting regiment. But I love putting my mind to work and accomplishing something. It's a great feeling to create a story from nothing on my own and I'm proud of the work I have done. I am currently conjuring up a third screenplay idea, suggestions...?

This is me. The dirt-biking-screenwriter with the greatest body I personally have ever seen. And yes, the picture at the top had everything to do with this post.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Questions I must have answers to: Round 2

A while back I posted questions...Many people wanted more of these questions so, like I love to do, I started picking my own brain for info...(If you missed round 1, check it:

http://zachhelmslife.blogspot.com/2010/11/questions-i-must-have-answers-to.html

BIG RUBBER EXERCISE BALL: Does anybody actually use you for exercise or are you just always in the way?

PACE MANNION: Does anyone else have a hard time envisioning your first make out?

REMAKE YOUTUBE VIDEO GUY: Why are you so hard to satisfy? Must lil' Wayne be the back round music for every video?

SNOOKI: Am I the only one who wants to see if you roll better down a hill than a big ball?

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE: To wipe standing or sitting...that is the question?

THE JAZZ/KARL MALONE? If we hire you as coach, will the Jazz play better in third person?

COMMUNITY: Am I just too stupid to think you're funny? I go with NOT the latter.

BUTLER: 3 buckets from inside the arc, 2 bench points, 12/64 shooting? You suck.

ALF: I know you talked a lot about eating cats, but why didn't they ever show it? That's what I wanted, Alf.

TACO BELL: A taco within a burrito filled with chips, beans, rice, wrapped in 2 other burritos inside a sombrero made of a hard shelled taco...What do you think?

MORE BATHROOM ETIQUETTE: Is using the handicap stall okay? What do I do if I see those dreaded rubber wheels from under the stall door?

BREAKING BAD: Is Jesse going to shoot Gale!?

GORDON HEYWARD: What the hell does liz see in you?

STANDING OVER YOUR SHOULDER AFTER CONVERSATION IS OVER STARING AT YOUR COMPUTER AWKWARDLY AT WORK GUY: Please leave?

CASEY JONES (NINJA TURTLES): How can 20 years do such a butt load?