To fat, or not to fat?

This has been a hard day for me.
I caught recent news of a burger, The Big Mac. I'd never heard of it either, but it's fatty, or so they say. So I overcame my phobia of not ordering off the Dollar Menu and tried it. After eating the sloppy burger it suddenly hit me. I suffer from MANHOOD Obesity.

It was such a natural process that I should have noticed. The sudden burst of belly. The spending of $10 off the Dollar Menu. Manhood Obesity has struck another victim.
I should have known it was coming my way when I kept casting myself in roles where the movie called for a gross, shirtless individual. It's a terrible realization.

I use to come out of the shower, look in the mirror, flex my pecs, smile and admire the water flowing through my Ab creases like deep rivers (part of that is true by the way, I use to shower). But for now I'm stuck with disgusting roles where women are repulsed at the site of my terrible figure. One day I will be cast as the skinny dork again, but not today.

To overcome "Manhood Obesity" I will be a determined boy in the month of April. This includes: Jogging, Sprinting, Running, Trotting, and speed walking. Oh yes, April will be my month, you just keep an eye for a new Calvin Klein model this summer, he might just look a lot like me.

NIghty Thoughts

Things I find curious why people do: just random zach thoughts

A photo of man with his shirt off and his head pressed against a womans womb. I love these photos. I hope liz and I will pose like this one day.


When someone is wearing a cast on their arm and I ask them "Hey what happened to your arm?" and they reply "I broke it."....well of coarse you did, now answer my question please.

Sometimes when I'm cleaning a window, the smudge I'm trying to wipe off always ends up on the other side? That usually takes me an hour before i figure that out.

I was thinking about this today. What's the difference between 'fat chance' and 'slim chance'?

If I'm too lazy to start anything, I might get a reputation for patience. That would be good for me.

Thank you for enduring my nightly thoughts of random things i have been thinking about.

No need for Poppin' Popcorn

I do love movies. I love criticizing them, and finding great and creative things filmmakers do that most won't notice. I'm not saying I am stuck up film watcher that everyone hates to watch movies with, but I do notice things. And I occasionally make fun of people who like stupid movies (people who paid for "Valentines Day" I'm looking your way). My brain only goes so deep so I'm no Robert Ebert, but I don't need to be to point out these bad movies.
These are some movies that blew me away watching them(not in a good way). Movies I find myself talking the entire time about how bad they are. These movies are high budget. Low budget ones at least have an excuse.

Movies I hate:

WILD HOGS - All this show needed was Samuel L. Jackson and it could have been the worst movie of all time. Middle aged men, of course one of them being black and the comic relief, set off on motorcycle road trip. They run into "for sale" signs and birds, of course they do cause most middle age men do that riding motorcycles right? Oh and they are bullied by the Buttercream Gang of biker gangs, I was very worried for them. Watch this if you want to see Travolta continue destroying his career, or if your upset and feel like yelling at a justified cause.

WICKER MAN - You know that saying "Never remake a classic" Well even worse, never remake the opposite of classic either. I don't even know what to say about this movie. Just sit down and watch it and try not to make fun of it the entire time. I am the only one in the world who hates Nicholas Cage and all his roles with long hair even though his hair line is on the top of his head!? Shave it already, you are a bald man!

FOOLS GOLD - I'm just over matthew McConaughey "swim in every scene" movies. I'm over them! And so is my wife(well she better be but I think she still likes them). Do they just make a movie based around the idea of Matt having his shirt off and swimming in the ocean?
Writer 1: "Ok, what ideas do we got?"
Writer 2:"I got it! I see McConaughey coming out of the ocean onto the beach"
Producer:" I don't know..."
Writer 2:" Did I mention his shirts off as he throws his wet curly hair back?"
Producer:"Writers! you've done it again, lets fast track this one!"
This movie was incredible, it was hard not to be with a script and cast like that.

Oh, and I hate everything with Tyler Perry involved with it, and Barber Shop 1-17.

Movies I don't need to watch because of the title or cover:


And finally a list of crappy movies that truly are my guilty pleasures:
Leprechaun 1-7(including leprechaun in the hood)
Fast and the Furious(actually everything with Paul Walker in it)
and of course anything done by Wolf Productions. And with that I leave you to watch this amazing video done by Stephen Groo himself!

The House is still Full

With shows always coming and going on T.V. there is one show that will always be on (at least during lunch time). FULL HOUSE is still going strong 15 years after the show ended. Is it Danny's never ending dust buster jokes? Joey's incredible impersonations? Or is it the always comic relief, Kimmy Gibbler? But I'm sure we can all agree it was probably Jesse's beautiful hair and his obsession with Elvis. Sexy wannabe bad boy always works in my book. Whatever they did making the show, it has payed off in airtime. I'm sure I am not the only one who had a cathartic experience watching Joey give Stephanie's entire class glasses just to make her feel comfortable wearing them to school. A real tear jerker. And I bet all of us were on the edge of our seats when the girls lost Comet the most adorable dog on the planet. The autographed picture I have of Bob Saget(Danny Tanner) in his usual gorgeous knitted sweater telling me "your too cool" gives me hope of a better "Full House" style life where children listen, 3 single men in a house aren't considered gay, and where the Olsen Twins live in S.F and not in rehab. Yes, but sadly I'm afraid the actors real lives did not reflect their onscreen characters. In Bob Saget's stand up act, he seems to try to say the opposite of what he says on full house. For example. Danny Tanner: "I like it clean" Bob Saget:"I like it dirty" Danny Tanner: "Joey, your my best friend" Bob Saget:"Joey, F you". Yes it's disturbing but the truth none the less. I haven't heard much about Kimmy Gibbler's off screen life, I haven't seen her in any other shows, so I'm sure she is still living with her parents next door to the Tanners house and going over there and getting applause every time she intrudes through the front door. It's not that bad when you compare the show's off screen antics to it's rival "Saved by the Bell". Screech's life, need I say more? Whatever their personal lives consist of, it must not take away from our one constant in an ever changing T.V. world, the Tanners, happy and always demonstrating life experiences. Full House will always be there for you during your lunch break.

Hello, it's me.

Well, I'm really doing this. My name is Zach Helm. Yes the Zach Helm that is married to the famous Liz Rock. I know she blogs, I know she's cute, and I know she is a funny little girl. We have been married for a while now and things are good. She claims she does not want babies, but today I found an "American Baby" magazine addressed to Liz Helm. I don't know what she's up to with that. She is in her own world.
This blog will consist of my thoughts and my movie criticism (which might give away the plot so don't read it if you really want to see the movie).
After brief thought I have discovered that everyone wants attention. The web tools such as Twitter, Facebook, blogs ext... have made it socially acceptable to want attention. Why else would we be posting pictures of ourselves, talking about ourselves, updating status's, We want a little attention and that's great for me. I like it.
Here is my current status:
Sex: M
Married: Yes
Employment: Unemployed (laid off video editor, but not a bum, I promise I will work soon Liz)
Current residence: Provo (unfortunately)
Hobbies: Motor Bike riding, movies, Liz. And picking my brain for information.

I became famous for inventing the microwave, the wheel, and the table

So come along and read what I have to say. If you don't like it, that's ok too, just make sure I never see you in public because I will humiliate you. Good day.